Monday, December 4, 2017

No Pain, No Gain

I realize it has been a while since I've written a blog but I figured December 4th was a good time to write a new one. Why December 4th? No reason. That just happens to be today's date.

I haven't outlined what I want to write in this post so who knows where it will go. All I know is that I just feel like writing.

I met a lady. An amazing lady. We started dating back in March. My first girlfriend in eight years.
In a span of eight months, we did a lot of things together. We went on trips to San Francisco, we went to concerts, we went to musicals, we went to the movies, we saw Cirque Du Soleil, we went to comedy shows. We have had a lot of fun together.

Hey Wes, is this the reason you haven't written a blog in a while? Is it because you were too busy with this lady? That very well could be the reason.

To my surprise, 3 days before my 36th birthday in November, she broke up with me. She explained to me how she was feeling and the reason for the break-up. She acknowledged that she loves spending time with me and that I'm a great person, but the timing just wasn't right. I seemed to be wanting something more serious and she wasn't ready for that step. I listened to her. I even told her I was proud of her for breaking up with me. I told her I knew it couldn't be easy to just lay out all your thoughts and feelings the way she did. We held hands for a bit and we cried together.

My friends have been an excellent support group especially during my birthday weekend. I could have just locked myself in my room and cried and sulked about how bad my life sucks, but I forced myself to go out and try to have fun anyway. The weekend ended up not being that bad afterall.

After relationships end, a lot of people tell each other "we should still be friends." I've done this with a lot of my ex-girlfriends. It has never happened. However, I told this one that I wanted to remain friends and she told me that she'd be honored to have someone like me as their friend. To be honest, not a day has gone by since the break-up where we haven't at least sent each other a quick text or something. This is not the normal break-up. In fact, I wouldn't even refer to this lady as my "ex." If I talk to other people about her in conversations, I have no problem referring to her as my friend. "Ex" just seems to have such a negative connotation. I'm not mad at her for deciding to break-up with me. Yes, it hurts, but how can I be mad at someone for the way that they feel? That doesn't make any sense.

The transition from thinking about her romantically to thinking about her as just a friend is tough though. I know that we can both make it work though if it is something that we want.  I still miss her. I miss holding her in my arms. I still think about her when I wake up (in addition to "man, I gotta pee") and before I go to bed. But where there is pain, there is also room for growth. I have no regrets at all about our time together. We shared many amazing memories and adventures. She's even helped me write some jokes. She helped me learn some things about myself that I may not have recognized otherwise. It will just take some time.

Last night I did an open mic at The Pizza Factory in Willow Glen. Only four comedians showed up to perform. Much like this blog, I went in without having an outline of what I was going to say. I ended up talking into the mic for about 30 minutes. Some of it turned out funny and some of it was just me talking about what had been going on in my life recently. It was a good outlet for me, much like this blog.

I don't give a fuck if anyone reads this blog or not, this is just something I needed to write out for myself. I don't want anyone telling me they feel bad for me or anything either. It is a part of life and life will go on. If it was meant to be then maybe we'll end up back together in the future. I also know I can't hold out hope for that to happen either.