Thursday, April 9, 2020

Not Feeling Like Myself

This isn't an easy thing for me to write at this moment, but I feel I need to get this down while it is on my mind.

Right now, we're in a pandemic as everyone is I'm sure aware with Covid-19. We're to stay inside and only leave the house for essential things. It has only been a month, which is really not that long. I expect it to go on a lot longer given what I'm hearing in the news. 

There is no sporting events to watch as an escape. All stand-up comedy shows have been canceled. (I haven't tried doing a Virtual open mic like other comedians but maybe I should.)

Tonight was the first night where it really hit me though. I thought maybe doing a Netflix Party with some friends would be a good escape. I just wanted to shoot the shit with some friends. I didn't want to have to worry about paying attention to the movie or anything.

As a comedian...and really just as a person in general, I'm always looking to make people laugh when possible and be the center of attention. 

However, tonight during the Netflix Party, I realized we are to a point where most of us just want some attention.  (I might be wrong but that's how I read the chat room...)

I tried to make some jokes at the beginning of the movie (we watched Hook)...I'd never seen it before and that is fine. Nobody didn't really seem to be replying to anything I typed so I just stopped and followed along with the chat instead...not so much the movie.  

One friend said I went to go poop. I didn't reply to this comment as I just wanted to see how long it would be until someone questioned if I was really pooping or not. Finally, another friend text me after a while to check. I told her that I was okay and just following the chat.

I tried to make a few more funny comments toward the end of the film. Maybe they weren't funny? Maybe my friends have known me too long that nothing is funny from me? Maybe they did laugh but they weren't going to type out "LOL" or "Haha." Maybe they thought I was trying too hard?

It really made me miss live stand-up comedy shows and performing in front of people I don't know.
It also made me feel selfish. I guess I just expected this Netflix Party to be more special. I expected us all to laugh more. Maybe we're all to a point where nothing is funny right now? Laughter is contagious also and some people just don't laugh when they're alone. Maybe I shouldn't have stated that I was never a fan of Peter Pan toward the beginning of the film? My audience walked out on me, so to speak. 

I'm not looking for some pity "LOL" or "Haha" replies either... I don't know why I care so much about Netflix Party reactions but I can't really get much human connection these days as I live alone and don't get to hear much audible laughter from people and it makes me so sad. Sure, my mom will laugh when I call her but that's my mom, she'll laugh at anything I say. 

BUT I'm still trying to lift spirits...(usually while drinking spirits)... I feel like I'm not supposed to be having a hard time. I always wanted to live alone, like I currently am, but I never wanted to feel this alone. 

As far as my day job, I'm able to remotely work from home fortunately. I know a LOT of people are not that fortunate. So why I am making a big deal about what seems to be a small thing? I guess I'm finding out just how much comedy means to me. 

Stay safe, stay home, wash your hands, and thanks for reading. I'll be okay when it is all over. Just typing this out has given me the opportunity to cry for the first time since this all started. I think I had been holding that inside too long to be honest. 

I can't wait to have an epic road trip with some friends when this is all I can hear them laugh and see them having fun!

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